dad's night

Tonight finds Benjamin and I home alone-preparing a talk that he and I are going to give Friday. We are alone because Levi's class is having "dad's night" at school. Yesterday they made Mummy Treats (rice krispie treats shaped like a head and wrapped in gauze). So Benjamin and I have played games then we started to look at the power point that I have prepared for Friday. My friend teaches human growth and development and health classes at a near by school and she asked me to show some pictures and go through the Benjamin story. He will be with me when I do the talk so the students can see him and we can do a comparison of him and a "normally" developed 4 year old. Granted he is not at all delayed, but he is significantly smaller and finer featured than most. He also has some preemmie features. The whole way through the slide show he kept saying "awesome" as he saw pictures of his tiny self. I think it will be good for him to show his story. I have always felt that he is no more of a miracle than every child, but he was in medical definitions a fetus for the first 70 days of his life, and we don't get to see that part of life.
Benjamin is calling for a bit of help with his domino cake, got to go!

wow

Well today is the first day of spring and it is snowing.
I found out yesterday someone very dear to me died (yes, people die they don't pass away in my life). I really am amazed how sudden it felt even though I had not seen him in years (like 5). He was my neighbor as a child I remember so many things about him. Then I am jolted back, and as I sit I think about my memories and how some seem so distant, but some so close. I have been doing a lot of education about dementia lately, and I sit and think about what I'll be like if I get dementia. What memories will I re-enact, what memories will drive me to act. What memories will I crave.
Life does not last long enough. In the end who are close? Your spouse? You, God, the Pet? Who else do you need? When you don't remember you have kids do they really provide comfort? Seriously I'm a parent and so often my "job" is to protect them, comfort them, is it their job to provide comfort to me? I have always believed that it is my job to make me happy, no one elses, is that true of comfort also?
Well, I think I am way to analytical today for the first snowy day of spring.

What a weekend

This weekend was an unusual one. Saturday Jacob and I went to a funeral-of someone neither of us knew. Jacob was asked to do the Bell Ceremony for this fallen firefighter (in a nearby town). I have never been to a fireman's funeral before. I've been to a military funeral, but it's a bit different knowing what the family's life must be like. This was a volunteer firefighter, so I am well aware of their life and their family's. Jacob and I took a fire truck to the services (weird to ride in, by the way) as we drove I thought about a lot of things-one being how LOUD the truck was, the other was more spiritual...no one really knows what it is like to be a fire family. No matter how much people try to understand, but it is just not something you can explain. Knowing that the pager can go off anytime, and he can be gone for an unknown amount of time, and when he returns he may be drained. My kiddos know the tones of the fire department and the ambulance department. They know that daddy may say he'll be back soon, but he may not be back before bed (even if he leaves at 9 AM). They know that if mommy is working any number of people may be picking them up and taking them. They do not know that daddy could get hurt on any call at any time-I am very aware of that. I know exactly what to say when I put them to bed and daddy is on a call. We know that when daddy is at work that he may not be available to answer the phone. We know that part of our family must be those connected to the three emergency services that we are connected--no one else really knows what days are like when "duty calls". I just kept thinking, the family of fire fighters' family members understand always being on call. It's a bit like opera (as Richard Gere says in Pretty Woman) those who love opera will always love opera, others may appreciate opera, but they will never love it-- the same is true of fire fighter families-people may know what happens, but they really do not understand the go with the flow attitude and commitment to the service fire fighter's families have. After 20 minutes we finally arrived. We sat with the fire department all dressed in their funeral stuff-white gloves, black ties...the fire engine that the casket would ride on was complete with the black and purple flags, as with the other engines from that department. He had no wife, no kids, just a lot of friends, sisters, nieces, and nephews...so much for my insight for the wife...
Levi played hockey! He stopped 15 out of 25 the first game--his team lost 0-10--his team took 2 shots on the opposing team and they played a total of 2 minutes in front of the opposing goalie. Second game Levi stopped 25 of 36 (one of which his own teammate shot on him) again they lost 0-10 and they did not shoot at all on the opposing goalie, and played only 5 minutes on the other side of the center line. He was ok with the losses, but still they need to score.
Baseball meeting was Sunday teams are set! yeah!!!!

VOTE

I voted today. It took me 30 minutes-in a town of 3000, seriously?! Even now I am undecided if I voted the way I "should" have...Really what role does experience play? Does anyone have enough "experience" to be pres or vice pres. What prepares you for that? And if you have "experience" being president than you only have one term left-right? I will be glad when the polls close. I am grateful that I have PTO tonight as much as I HATE PTO (it used to be PTA), but at least I won't be home hearing about the election every 2 minutes. Either way this election will result in the first...and either way I fear for the president-what you don't think that someone would want to kill the first minority president or kill to make the first minority president. Either way I believe the secret service has their work cut out for them...
On the non-political front...this weekend we get pictures done with my whole family. Sunday we will then do what I have grown to look forward to, and never thought I would ever do...we sight in rifles for deer season-no I don't hunt- not because I think it's wrong, but because I think it would be BORING and COLD! However I do love to shoot a gun-mainly the 9 mm. LOVE IT. Levi shot the 22 last year and will again this year. We go with John, Keri, J, R, K, G and we always take my little girl Sadie (dog) who loves to try and retrieve what ever we shot-mainly she runs around and never manages to find anything that does not stink nor does she ever get shot-amazing...Every year (well the last 3) I have gotten a picture of Jacob and Levi walking to the targets-they hang in my office, each time I manage to catch them in the same part of their step. This year we will add Benjamin. Both boys have their own ear muffs for the noise and both know to stay out of the way. It is important to us that they understand gun safety...
Levi plays hockey and I think that my parents are coming for that game (actually I think they will be here all Sunday-but we really "have" to get the guns sighted in deer season starts 11-15). I never ask and honestly I don't know why we have to do this every year, but it is a day outside in the wilderness...
and still not pictures, some day...

I am so lucky-but I am ranting and raving

I have really gotten "hooked" on a blog- Freezerbuns. I must admit that her struggle and so many others struggle to get pregnant makes me feel very strange. I remember my miscarriage and then the "hard time" I had getting pregnant, but the emotions that D has gone through to get her twins is amazing. The determination that some people have to have children is amazing and I am in awe of them. I love my children, but honestly I'm not sure how I would have felt had Levi not come as kind of a surprise-I had resigned myself as a childless woman. I know that I have mentioned Amber in the past, but I see how much she wants a child, and just hasn't gotten pregnant. I have another friend, M, who has had several pregnancies and only 2 children, and one on the way, but she is SICK. I don't mean just a little bit of morning sickness I mean hyperemesis (yes, it's a medical diagnosis). M is nauseated all the time, unless she is puking. She takes medication to help her keep food and fluids down EVERY 90 minutes AROUND THE CLOCK. Yes, she sets an alarm clock so she wakes up to take her meds. I remember having to set my alarm clock to pump-that SUCKS. When M was pregnant with J (now 3) M was honestly green. She would puke so hard she would pee, then the soles of her feet would get burns because her urine was so concentrated. M had always wanted a big family, so she tried again after J even went on Clomid with no baby, now she is pregnant and unable to keep food down again. With this case in mind I think of all of those who cannot get pregnant and try so hard, how awful would it be to finally get pregnant and not feel good. Before Benj was born I didn't know that I didn't feel good, but WOW did I feel lousy. I hope those who are having trouble getting pregnant feel good while they are pregnant, otherwise what a double whammy. I know that Freezerbuns is really feeling big-my gosh she has twins! I hope she has a healthy delivery... and a healthy baby. My friend D exposed me to another blog about a little girl with CDH (congenital diaphragm hernia) and little baby Elli's struggle and how sad to see the end of her struggle. It could happen to anyone. When reading babygirlreed2be it really angered me, I got to hold Benjamin when he was a couple of days old (I love Overland Park Regional Medical Center's NICU), but Elli's parents did not get to hold her until her 19th day, just the hours before she died. She was at the same Childrens hospital that Keri's 3rd baby, K, was at- Keri did not get to hold K until discharge was in sight. It just seems dumb that we in the medical community would believe that these babies would do better with tubes and wires and not human contact? I mean seriously? There can not be that big of a difference between a preemie and a sick baby-touch is what it is all about.
I think that reading some of the infertile blogs made me appreciate my family, and how much compasion I have inside of me.

WORK

Wow, it's a good thing that I enjoy vacationing so much, otherwise I would probably quit my job. It is not that I do not like my job, it's just that there are far too many people that are unhappy with life that take care of others. Mind you those nurses, CNAs, and everyone else do a wonderful job in taking care of their residents, but cannot seem to get a good mood at Wal Mart (so a good mood must not be necessary). The pressure of being an administrative nurse (that's what I am) is that your success and your failure has nothing to do with how you do your job, it all rests on those around you and how they do their job. I am incharge of education of the entire staff (200+). I cannot do this. I cannot do this alone, and I do not try. I realized a long time ago that everyone does not have the same take on things as I do, they don't think I'm right, and I know they are not right. I have learned and my friend Shelly has taught me that sometimes it takes people a while to figure stuff out and I need to just give them time. I have a lot of respect for Shelly-she is the BOSS of the entire nursing department (100++) and she WORKS all of the time (my perception). Shelly and I live 30 miles away and sometimes she gives me rides to work. Work for both of us goes very well when we ride together. She and I are very opposite, she is a small town girl, I am not (although I currently live and work in small towns). I love change, Shelly not so much. We took on a HUGE project and we accomplished it as best we could. We still have lots of work to do, but that was expected. If I had to choose a nurse friend to go and do it would be Shelly, the problem is that neither of us do that. It is very odd, we have both been bosses for so long we have really lost the ablity to have nurse friends that we work with. It just does not work to supervise and go to movies or chat with someone. The lines get blurry, and the preception gets bad, it is just not good practice. So Shelly and I are in an odd spot. We work together, but she does not supervise me, I don't supervise her, but both of our jobs depend on the success and failure of how we do our jobs. It took Shelly and I a long time to stop working against each other and start working with each other. Shelly makes my job easier, she does anything I ask of her AND she has the BALLS to stand up to me and tell me that I'm wrong. I take it from Shelly, but I also give it to her. I have the patience to teach her how to do stuff and help her in transition. I will not ever say that she and I do not ever get irate with the other. This morning Shelly was snappy, I took it personally. I did not leave her alone until I realized that it was not me. I forgot a meeting, she did not take it personally, but had to feild question for me. Shelly is one of the hardest working people I know. She works all the time. I will MAKE her go do something one of these days. Oh, another thing, for some of you that really have made it this far and are thinking, why do I care. Shelly cares. She has just started reading and noticed that I don't mention her. It is not because I do not cherish her, it's because when I started this blog I really thought it would be more about the kiddos, not me and honestly there are times my kiddos are not really what happenin' with me. Oh, Shelly is Aunt Shelly and Levi LOVES her, he will not leave my work without saying good-bye and giving her a hug and a kiss. She does consider him OURs, not mine...

I have to say a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to R Levi's best friend turns 5 today!

I also want to ask everyone keep my friend Amber in their prayers, if that's your thing. I have never thought this about anyone, she needs a baby. I have never had a childless friend (or been one) that was willing to change diapers, hold a screaming kid, play beyond the point of tired, and be willing to eat kid food just to be kind.

Levi and Benjamin are good. They both have been pretty special and I think that in the evenings I need Lipo-suction to go to the bathroom, because both are on my hip so close. I have been working a lot, so I am reeping the benefits. I have started a little treat for them, we have been eating outside and they both LOVE it. Benjamin has started walking on his tip toes and thinks he a big deal because of it. I had forgotten how great Levi's 2 year old laugh was, now Benjamin has that same laugh, really is there anything better? I think that I should record it and listen to it when I need a pick me up. Levi has gotten so big and has really learned a lot in summer school. I cannot believe that he will be in school. Benjamin is now so big, wow he will be 2.
I'm getting sappy-Shelly should be proud!

Mainly Levi

As promised here are some pictures of Levi with his vacation. On the boat with Key Dives. He's driving the boat. He's washing tanks. Child labor!!

Here with the divemaster getting ready to snorkle.

The Key Dives boat!

Here are Levi and Capt Scott!

A big THANK YOU goes out to Jasmine, who from MN helped me learn how to post pictures.


Ok, so I have no idea how to flip my dad over, but he got up early one morning and we did not have to leave as early as he thought, so he took a little nap.

I'll get more pictures later!!!

FAMILY

I was not going to post today, but I saw that my cousin Gregory (yeah, he will never be a Greg to me) commented on my last post. It got me thinking...My dad's family are just as funny as their name. We all find some connection, but really do not see each other much and when we do see each other, it's like why do we not have a get together? My grandparents had only 3 children each is 6 1/2 years apart. My aunt Carla Jean, perhaps the nicest, quietest woman I knew died more than 10 years ago at 65ish, had 5 children who all had children. I have 2nd cousins older than I am. Jim (now James) had only one child Gregory (I think that I am the most drawn to him-he is the one I see the least, but probably have the most in common with), then the baby my dad, Jerry, who has this desire to pull everyone together and make everything good.
Gregory and I have an experience that few people in 1 family (especailly this small) share. We are both NICU parents, or should I say survivors. We both had children (me one, him two) that came too early and were too small and had to spend time with tubes and wires and alarms...We both had to take in a huge amount of bad news and deliver it to other people, who "just knew everything would be OK", when in reality things were not OK. I say very little about my NICU time to many, but I know that Kristina and Gregory know that know exactly what I am talking about. The journey is long and hard, the outcomes are never as you expect. I remember the exact day, January 11, 2007, that Benjamin had finally been home 74 days-he had been alive for 147 days (73 in the NICU) the relief...
Anyway, I think about family and the family of friends that we all have and find unable to live without and it is amazing the joy and concern that we have for all of them. Levi, out of the blue asked be what happened to the 2 babies in that place with the mountains. Of course, he is ready for another vacation so he wants to go see them...
always amazed by what we all think of...

lots of stuff

Ahh to return from vacation is amazing, right.
I have been reflecting a lot this last weekend, just coming back from Islamoroda, FL and then going to Branson/Table Rock Lake for a seminar on end of life (fun, huh?). I realized that I have been to 2 of the most beatiful places in the US, totally for different reasons. The Keys are so wonderful the laid back attitude the water, the sun, the lack of bugs, and just everything. The Branson area the trees, the hills (I won't say mountains, because they are just hills), the fresh water, and the mid-west stuff.
I also realized the I did something with my family that few families do. I spent Father's day with 2 fabulous fathers-underwater no less. My dad is an amazing dad and even better Papa. My children LOVE him so much that it fun to watch them interact. My dad actually changes diapers on Benjamin! I think that this father's day was a bit sentimental for me because there are few things that my dad and I share--I mean activities/interests. I'm not a teacher-I'm a nurse, I'm not into golf-nor is my husband. I have a very different lifestyle because of Jacob's and my professions. That being said, my dad took on SCUBA diving in his 60's and my husband taught him. This has become a new part in my relationship with my dad. It is something that we do together that is a bit unique and something we both love. He never thought that he would love scuba diving the way I do-but I think he does. SCUBA is the only thing that my dad, husband, and I do just us. Levi will be added as soon as he can. The effort that my dad puts out to dive is so amazing and means so much, it was such an amazing experience to have my dad in the water for 3 trips on father's day. Father's day also was special for Levi. Levi got to snorkle in the ocean with his Papa and his mom. Levi also got to help captain the boat--THANKS TO KEY DIVES. I gave my husband the opportunity to do as many dives as possible even doing a night dive. What a father's day. What a vacation!
Vacation could be the best reason to work. This one was fabulous! We had a big group and the only thing that could have made it better is more people. The adults were a wonderful mix and none of us thought we had to do everything together. My mom and her friend K were wonderful to watch my children so that Jacob and I could go diving. I think that they had a great time just playing. Our friends D and B brought a good balance and were not bothered by Levi's constant questions about where their children, who stayed home, were and why they did not get to come. I wish that more kiddos would have come, but that is purely selfish because I like all of my kid's friends parents...
I was only in the office 1/2 day before I went to an end of life conference in Branson. Wow, what a topic, but it does make me think about how greatful I am for what I have and my instinct on keeping an open mind about teaching my children. Both Levi and Benjamin come to work with me and have known and liked one of the residents that have died. Levi knows that it happens, Benjamin will learn. It is amazing how important it is to love life, but also to know that all things change. It really takes me back to when Benjamin was born and how little he was and how everyone thought it was amazing that he survived, but babies come into the world everyday like that, sometimes two at a time and sicker. No one ever can deny that moments like that are life changing, and this seminar reminded me that there are moments like that at the end also and it is all important. Wow, what a downer. As I said I have been really sentimental.
I will try to figure out how to post pictures and get some of the vacation on my next post...

we are ready

We leave for vacation soon and I doubt that I will write before we leave, so I thought I would write something now.
First our house will be getting a new ceiling in the kitchen, a new floor in the upstairs bathroom and a deep clean of all the carpets in the dining room, living room, stairs, and upstairs hallway. I cannot believe how lucky we are!
Levi has been going to summer school-not the kind that Jacob remembers...the kids do learning by play (my words not theirs) and they get PAID $100.00 for perfect attendance-which Levi will not get, since he will be missing to go on vacation. The can also win a Wii. Levi won a ball and bat (just what we needed) one day, and now he thinks that bat and ball are the coolest thing in the world. Tee ball is going good one little boy had to quit. He is amazing.
Benjamin is just as cute as ever. He is a mover and a shaker and sassy as all get out. He is officailly acting his age!
take care, Paula

what a day

Yesterday, Jacob called me at work-a hot water line in our upstairs bathroom burst. WHAT A MESS! Lucky for us that not only was he home (if he had been working we would not have known for 12+ hours) but the bus was late (otherwise we would not have known for 4 hours). We now have 2 HUGE dehumidifiers (one in the kitchen and one in the shower) and a total of 5 BIG carpet drying fans (3 in our kitchen and 2 in our upstairs bathroom). Benjamin is REALLY scared of the fans-he won't even go in the bathroom and really does not want to be in the kitchen. They tore down our ceiling in our kitchen and dining room. They pulled up the carpet in the dining and in the upstairs hallway and put a fan in there so the carpet waves (yet two more places niether of my children will go). Even as I sit here thinking about how HORRIBLE it is and how LOUD it is (no we are not supposed to turn ANYTHING off even to sleep) I am still very greatful about how little damage. I think the only things that got damaged were some toilet paper and girly stuff, and the ceiling that needed re-done anyway.
Levi had a tee ball game last night-he is starting to hit like his MOM! He got to play catcher again-which makes him very happy. We also had tee ball pictures. Levi is so amazing, he just continually goes with the flow!
Benjamin was a poop last night. His (well, both of their) favorite daycare provider was there. When he saw her, it was like mom who? Then he did not want to leave with me, which was alarming, because I was okay with it. Not that I do not ADORE him, but sometimes he is so attached to me that I cannot do anything without him. Last night was the first time I got to watch Levi play.
The hazards of being a MOM! I leave soon on vacation-I can not wait...

Friends

It is amazing how much I value my friends. I have 3 really good friends-you know the kind that it doesn't matter if you are in a good mood or not they love you anyway. One Jasmine lives so far away that I NEVER see her and we mainly keep in contact with each other through email and her blog- Ludwig Pumkin Wumpkins. One Amber I work with, however she lives about an hour from my (we both live about 30 minutes from work in opposite directions)- her blog is The misadventures of Frank and Boris. The other is Keri, who lives where I live her husband and my husband work together-she is my MOM friend and is amazing. Keri has 4 kiddos 6, 4, 3, and 9 mos, just finished getting her ADN-waiting for her board letter. Her 4 year old R and Levi are only 2 months apart. All of these ladies keep me hopeful that somewhere in my MOM life I still have a bit of PAULA still in there. I think that I have been thinking about this because I have been reviewing my Sex and the City DVDs-I have the whole series and I can not wait to go to the movie. I have to wait until Levi goes to bed to watch so I have been up late and then up early to go to work. Not sure why I am add this to this blog I just am rambling.
Levi has been doing the tee ball thing. He really likes to be the catcher which is actually the busiest spot in tee ball. He gets to put the ball on the tee and since they let everyone hit and the last batter ALWAYS gets to run all the bases he usually gets to tag them out and "make" the last "out" every inning!
Amber's husband Jeff gave Levi a BUNCH of water guns on Saturday, so Sunday we go the slip and slid and the water guns out and PLAYED! Levi was shooting me as he ran and slid down the slip & slide. Benjamin (Spiderman) was even shooting me and would walk down the slip & slide. It was so fun to watch them. Jacob was at work, keep the world safe from fire and saving lives, so it was just the three of us. It is so fun now that Benjamin is up and around and ready to play. I think that my favorite time is around 2 y/o.
Benjamin has started to climb and show his personality more and more. His language is exploding. As I write I am trying to think about the "new" things that he does, there are so many that I can't think of any-except we have a chair (one of those that are tall and have the steps that are stored under them-my grandma H had one in her kitchen too-I remember sitting on it while she cooked) in our kitchen (by our stove) it is there so that I can reach stuff in our cabinets. Anyway he now climbs up on it while we are cooking and says "hot" and blows on the stove. He does not touch the stove and we do not use the burner that he could touch (well, I did once before I knew he could get up there-imagine my surprise).
I am so greatful for my friends and family, they all together make any of the bad times good!